How Social Media is Toxic & What To Do About It (Being Kind Online)

In the current circumstances I am spending more time online. I’d imagine that’s true for you too. In many ways that is a gift because it would be very hard to stay in touch with our loved ones, or feel connected with our friends and communities if it weren’t for all the various virtual means we have at our fingertips for community and connection. I’m grateful for it and this isn’t intended to be an article just trashing social media.

Before this pandemic happened I was becoming increasingly dubious of the virtues of online connection because of the way it can fool us into thinking we have had contact with our loved-ones so we are less likely to actually spend time together. I still feel some of that concern, but in lockdown as we have been in the UK, and with International travel likely to be less accessible for some while yet, these virtual ways of staying in touch are precious and necessary.

There is a concern for me that remains, and that is more relevant than ever, with us spending more and more time together, but apart…

We were not built for this.

Our fundamental wiring, both in terms of the social nourishment we need and in terms of how we read social signals from each other and regulate our behaviour to get along, was not built for this.

In fact, there are aspects of how we are wired, that are positively toxic in online relationships, if we don’t know how to navigate them wisely.

That is what this piece is about.

I want to help you, to help us all, to better understand what is going on, and in doing so, to help us all to be more kind online.

Globally, we are swimming in the soup of a stressed system. That is more the case, for more of us, than ever, since maybe World War II. Our baseline for stress is already high, we don’t need to exacerbate that by poking and flaring at each other every time we get triggered by someone having a different opinion than we do.

Never has Commedian Patton Oswalt’s phrase, inspired by his wife who passed away’s life outlook felt more right to me:

“It’s chaos, be kind.”

I’m going to focus on talking about text communication, because while many of us are video-chatting more, people also seem to be more active of Facebook and other social media. While some of the pitfalls I am going to explore play out on video too, it’s on social media that they really play merry hell with our neurological systems and can torpedo our relationships.

Dopamine addiction

– How is social media toxic?

Firstly, social media is addictive. It has been carefully designed, by some of the foremost experts in the world in motivational design, to stimulate us in a very particular way. Every time you click on something, hit ‘like’, or otherwise complete a micro-action online, you get a little hit of dopamine.

Dopamine is the brain’s reward chemical, probably originally designed to help us stay motivated when gathering food in the wilderness. “If you pick another berry, you’ll feel gooood!” it would whisper in our ear… And we would pick another berry and get a little chemical reward from our brain.

Dopamine is, however, also very like Heroin in terms of how addictive it is. Designers of social media platforms, and computer games before them, found this hot button and have become very skilled at pushing it. This can mean that you will be likely to stay scrolling way past when you should, and probably past the point where your judgement is at it’s best. This fatigue, and the fug of a shallow dopamine high, may limit your capacity for good choices all by itself. But it is not the only factor at play…

“I love you, I hate them”

- Is social media toxic for relationships?

On top of being hopped up and on edge, social media tends to elicit what Brene Brown calls ‘Common Enemy Intimacy.’ Not only does this dynamic happen easily in our shared virtual spaces, I think it has been used and amplified by lots of political campaigns on all sides in such a way that it has become an engrained habit. And it’s a habit that mainstream media has come to take advantage of to get eyeballs on their articles, so it is being magnified by a lot of influential sources in our lives.

What is it?

It is a cuckoo in the nest, a false illusion of connection. We often form relationships based on shared interests, right? That’s normal enough. In our longer-lasting relationships that usually goes deeper, we might like the same band or writer or TV programme but over time we also have shared experiences, and we have built trust with each other through mutual support and care.

That kind of natural connection can be mimicked by a shared hatred.

“If we both hate the same political stance, leader, famous person (or whatever),”

the unconscious logic goes,

“We must have shared values, we must see the world the same way. You MUST be one of those people I am bound to call a friend.”

Sometimes that might even be true, they might be someone who shares a lot in common with you, they might be someone who, over time, could become a real friend.

But.

Even if that develops, the intense sense of connection felt in the heat of social media battle is a pretty crappy foundation for a friendship. What happens when the thing you both hate goes away? And more importantly, do you really want to hang out with people spreading negativity, no matter how justified you might feel?

Real, deep relationship is strong enough that if we disagree, then we can talk about it and learn to see each other’s perspective. Common Enemy Intimacy is brittle, and as soon as you reveal a differing or more moderate view than the group you have adopted, you will likely become the enemy, and the worst kind too: a sympathiser or apologist.

This is not the stuff of healthy relationships, but it tricks us into thinking we belong. It fills us with empty relationship calories, so we don’t seek real sustenance in the sometimes messier but much more deeply connected companionship of true intimacy.

All accelerator, no brakes

- The science that explains why people are arseholes online (including you sometimes, amiright?)

So… into this soup of a narrowing focus from a compulsive dopamine high and the oppositional, outrage-encouraging social environment of Common Enemy Intimacy, we can introduce the killing blow to our capacity for perspective and kindness: unrestrained emotional triggering!

*The crowd cheers wildly!!!*

“In the blue corner we have the Amygdala! He’s ready to burst into rage at a moment’s notice!”

*Cheering*

“And in the red corner we have… what? Wait… where is the other one?!”

…

“Err…”

“Amygdala wins! The fight has been forfeited! The other contender just didn’t turn up!”

That, my friends, is what happens in the brain when you are writing or messaging to someone and you get upset.

Let me explain this little drama. You may have heard of the Amygdala; it is a part of our brains commonly associated with emotional responses. It’s not the only part of the brain involved, of course, but it is a kind of gatekeeper that processes experience and triggers an emotional response.

That emotional response, and in a moment of upset, triggering (anger, fear, hurt, even rage), is available to us when we are on social media or otherwise communicating with people when we are not physically together with them.

Apparently, there is normally another part of our brain that moderates our emotional response, based on what we see going on for the other person (the Basal Ganglia)[1]. This part of our brain only turns up to the conversation if we can see the other person, especially if we are actually with them in-person.

What this means is that, when I am with you, I might get angry about something you say or do, and while I might start to speak angrily, if I see you get upset, there is a fair chance that I will moderate my tone and manage myself in response. This gives us a better chance of resolving a conflict, especially because you will have the same moderating influence in play.

This doesn’t happen in social media land. Here’s how it typically goes:

You say something, which, being in text, I may misinterpret anyway.

I get triggered.

There is no moderating response in my neurobiology.

I respond from that triggered place.

You get triggered; you similarly have no moderating response at play in your brain.

You respond from that triggered place and escalate.

I escalate.

You escalate.

…

You can see where this is going right?

*TOTAL SOCIAL MEDIA ARMAGEDDON!!!*

***ASPLODE!!!!***

Now, even if we started as friends, there is a much higher chance that we will hurt each other and irreparably damage our relationship.

If we weren’t friends to begin with but maybe acquaintances, or just happened to end up commenting on the same thread in a group, then the chances of what has been termed ‘Flaming’ happening is high. In case your imagination doesn’t fill in the gaps, ‘Flaming’ is where people end up tearing strips off each other on social media and behaving in ways that they likely wouldn’t ever do in-person. Frankly, most of us would feel ashamed of how we behaved if we weren’t in a dopamine-drug-addled fug and busy being egged-on and backed-up by our Common Enemy Homies.

Biologically, it’s all accelerator and no brakes.

Add up all three of these dynamics within our neurobiology and social circumstances online and it’s not a big surprise that so many people have started to find the social-media-verse a toxic and mental-health undermining place to hang out.

One last piece of the social media mental health puzzle…

Algorithms: The New Greek Gods

(Another reason why social media has become so toxic…)

Whether or not your post gets seen and liked, even by your friends, let alone the hoard of people you might be hoping for if you are hungry for the validation of your post going viral, used to be largely based on the quality of your content.

Of course, there have always been factors (such as how quickly your post gets liked) that will make it more or less likely to be seen and shared but at least if you were a bit smart about when you posted, maybe tagged some friends, and put something good into the world, then it had a chance of being seen.

Increasingly, however, on every platform, algorithms are being designed and constantly adjusted to manipulate what gets seen and what doesn’t. The PR from social media companies will say that they are ‘improving’ your feed so that you see more of what you are interested in, but the reality is that they are just as motivated to curate it to make it more comfortable, more addictive, to keep you on there longer, and to refine their own understanding of your behaviour for their own ends. Their ends usually being to sell you stuff.

There has been lots written about the impact of this on politics and how it is contributing to creating social ‘echo chambers’ where social discourse becomes so edited, so curated, that we become more entrenched in our views and more divided as nations and the world.

This all links, of course, to Common Enemy Intimacy I’ve mentioned before, but in terms of mental health, the manipulation of our feeds can give a false sense of isolation and disconnection if we misinterpret what’s going on.

I post something I’m really excited about, no-one seems to care.

Now, of course, hopefully, that is not the end of the world for you, but it is another of the many small ways that our mental clarity and wellbeing can be undermined online.

Little did you know it was nothing to do with your friends actually liking what you have shared or not, the algorithms buried it because it didn’t hit their criteria for the most engaging content. Like the Gods and Goddesses of Ancient Greece, the Algorithms raise some up and dash others on the rocks!

I’m sure some social media gurus keep up with all the latest updates and can make sense of how to ‘play the game’ the algorithms are refereeing, but to us mere mortals, it just seems like the capricious whim of the all-powerful and impregnable technology.

What can we do about it?

– 5 ways to tame the social media toxicity

As I said at the beginning, this isn’t intended to be a wholly negative screed against social media. I want to help, because for the foreseeable future, I think it is a part of most of our lives.

So, what to do?

Be aware! I’ve done my best to explain the social and neurobiological factors I have discovered to explain some of what goes on, in us, in these still relatively new social spaces. Now you know about these factors, let them inform your choices. In a way, this is a meta piece of advice as the next 4 offer some thoughts on how but even just remembering what I have shared here next time you can’t stop scrolling or feel yourself about to wade into an argument might help.
Limit the time you are on. Lots of things in our lives can be addictive or at least elicit compulsive behaviour: sugar, alcohol, fatty foods, salt, caffeine, sex… lots! Lots of them really good and enjoyable! The way to live with these things and enjoy them without becoming a slave to them is to have things in moderation. Set yourself a timer or do whatever works for you to limit your social media time. Be more mindful about which platforms you hang out on and for how long each day.
Actively seek deeper connection. This starts with yourself. Think about your motivation for joining a conversation or group. Consider who you want to be in the world, what you want to stand for, and make your choices from there. This mindset can help you engage with what you care about positively rather than getting sucked into what you are enraged about in a way that is only going to end with you and others in a darker place. Whatever you want more of in the world, create it.
Pause, and make your comments pass through ‘the 3 gates.’ If you feel passionately you want to respond to someone then pause first. If you are triggered, it might be best to put your phone down and come back to it later with a clear head (not least of all because you have been scrolling for a while already, right?). Once you have paused, there are 3 ‘gates’ that many spiritual and personal development teachers have spoken about:
- Is it true?
- Is it kind?
- Does it improve on the silence?
This can be hard, especially if you are challenging someone who you think is way out of line (and sometimes that might be an important thing to do). Make sure you are on solid ground, with your perspective based on facts. Even if they are being unkind, you can be firm and challenging while being kind. Kindness doesn’t mean being ‘nice’ all the time and it certainly isn’t the same as being weak (in fact kindness can take way more strength than meanness). Does what you are going to say improve the conversation? Not least of all because the more comments something gets, the more visible it is. Sometimes, if you really hate something someone has said, the best thing you can do is ‘zero platform’ them. Don’t engage, and let the algorithms bury it for you because no-one wants to be part of that conversation.
Actively cultivate connection with the people you love. The algorithms won’t necessarily help you see the things you most want to see. Just like the old days, sometimes you are going to have to actively seek to find out what is going on with those you care about and want to spend time with. That might just mean going and ‘visiting’ them on their social media profile rather that passively hoping that the platform will tell you if they share something. It might mean… duhn duhn daaaah! Getting in touch offline! I know right?! Cray cray. But seriously… call your friends :-)

“It’s chaos, be kind.”

I’m writing all this to myself as much as anybody. I am far from perfect but I hope this helps you to be more aware of what is going on when you hang out online and that we can all create a healthier and more nourishing experience online in the future.

The shortest possible version of this article would be, in the wonderful words of Patton Oswalt:

This is my rendering of this wonderful phrase, available on a t-shirt if you want a constant reminder to wear!

I hope what I’ve shared here helps us all to be better at being kind online.

[1] Daniel Goleman and Clay Shirky – ‘Socially Intelligent Computing’